The last 4 months of my life have gone by so fast, one day after the other, all the same yet somehow different. I was feeling like I was putting in so much effort for these two little babies who I obviously love and adore to pieces but felt like I was getting nothing back. I had imagined having these two little babies who would instantly and unconditionally love me back, but nothing.....
I thought it was because I'd had a c-section and didn't have that magical first cuddle with them on your chest and kept reading about how the first 72 hours of a babies life are the most critical when it comes to bonding....well I managed to somehow get a 'Spinal Headache' from the anaesthesia from the procedure which made be bed stricken for pretty much a whole week, so didn't really get to see or cuddle my babies for at least a day after seeing them. The first time I went down to the SCN I was holding Jasper and bam! My head started throbbing and I couldn't be upright, the nurses had to take my baby and Dean tried his hardest to get me back to my room without bumping into the walls with my wheelchair..... (didn't do too well at that).
Another day went past when I couldn't be upright or have any form of light so I couldn't see my babies then either...... I couldn't stop crying and asking the nurses if the babies would even know if I was their mother.... 'of course they will' they said, that day my midwife saw how upset I was and demanded that the wardsmen take me down to SCN in my hospital bed which I did with a towel over my face to hide the light and they even dimmed the SCN where my babies were. Then it got to a point where the lactation consultant and two SCN nurses brought my babies up to me and I had my first real 'kangaroo cuddle' and attempt at breastfeeding which my babies took to in an instant, I didn't want them to go back but they had to.... I'd had enough and decided to go ahead and get a blood patch, which involved taking blood out of my arm and putting it back where the spinal needle went in to block the tiny puncture hole right near my spine, it hurt! even thought the first actual anaesthetic didn't! A few hours later and I was able to get up and be in a room with light, so I went straight down to the SCN to cuddle those babies of mine and didn't want to leave.....
Anyway, getting to the point.... I'd felt like this whole experience had somehow made my babies not bond with me, they didn't care who held them, didn't settle when I had them....nothing... Until last week, when Dean's family came over both babies wanted me! and ever since they seem to settle when I have them, fall asleep when I sing to them, smile and "talk" to me everytime they wake up and see me and always want mummy cuddles over anyone else! I know I may regret wanting this so bad when I have two toddlers trying to get mummy cuddles at the same time but at the moment I really feel bonded and connected to my littles babies who have made my life beautiful!.... That's right....I'm mummy!
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