Emotional Recovery by helseyc

I have had caesareans on my mind of late.

Everywhere I look (and sometimes if I just look down) I'm reminded of them. A story in Saturday's Courier Mail, one in Brisbane's Child, hearing it on the radio and TV. Why the focus just now?

I felt like I was reading my own story when I read Danielle Aalders’ Taking A Cut (Brisbane's Child June 2010). She explained the trauma of not giving birth naturally and having no real choice in the matter. I have had two caesareans without any kind of labour. The first was classed an emergency due to pre-eclampsia and a breech baby that we also tried to turn manually, but she refused to budge! The 2nd was classed as ‘elective’ due to pre-eclampsia again and twin A being breech. Like Danielle, I had not ‘elected’ for a caesarean either time. I had always planned for a vaginal birth, but as with my first daughter, I soon learned that you cannot always be in control. I laugh now about a birth plan. Second time around, to be honest, I didn’t bother writing one. Also when I knew we were having twins, I knew the likelihood of me having a caesarean was very high, yet I still hoped that my body would start the natural labouring process that says “ok, we’re ready…let’s go!” But it was not to be. I was more emotionally prepared second time around as I knew what I was in for, but it didn’t make it any easier.

In discussion with a friend just before this article was read, we spoke that the focus is on physical but not emotional recovery for women in our position. I know that I felt great anguish over not experiencing a natural birth. It was as if I had read a book from start to finish, but there were pages missing right before the end. We skipped something important. Yes, everyone’s reply to this is that it doesn’t matter how you deliver as long as you have a healthy baby and mother. To this I agree whole heartedly, but have to be honest that I still feel like I’ve missed out on something special.

Amanda Horswill in her article A cry in the dark (Courier mail  13 June 2010) referred to natural birth as being "connected to generations and to the natural order, to become a warrior woman". But she too was not perpared for, as she put it "the slicing open of my abdomen". Her story is actually about post natal depression but through her writing you can see that the fact she did not labour naturally may have contributed to this.

I can empathise with her to a degree. Although not ever diagnosed, there was a dark time for me too. A time when I knew I wasn't right and I wasn't coping and just seemed to last beyond the normal troughs of life. I couldn't express my pain of not ever experiencing labour or having a natural birth with family or friends without breaking down. I can talk about it now and the tears don't fall anymore...but the hurt is still there.

I've only ever met one or two other people out of all the women I know who have been in my position. Most women I talk to have either laboured before the caesarean or have had natural births previous to or after their surgery.

I am truly grateful for the staff in the theatres, both caesareans, as they were amazing! They could see the first time I was very upset, genuinely shocked, so made me laugh and put music on. Reliving the moment the babies were placed on my chest (the end page of my book) will always be a highlight. I feel very blessed and know that I am very fortunate to have 3 beautiful & healthy girls and if the saying is true, then time heals all wounds!